you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize