worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Boobs are out for the taking
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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