I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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