i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
