I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
