peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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