Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
