I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
