Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
