I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
