New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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