Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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