Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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