So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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