I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
