its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
