I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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