I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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