the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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