Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
