I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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