If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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