she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
