I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
