just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
