So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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