Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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