My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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