i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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