I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
