Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
