I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
