so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
