Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
