allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
