do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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