Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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