The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
