I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
