I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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