Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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