Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
