Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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