I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
