A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
