quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
