Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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