I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize