I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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