Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Duck Duck Cougar?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
