Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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