sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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