The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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