then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
