weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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