and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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